When Holiday Expectations Weigh on Moms: Easing the Pressure to “Perform” This Season
I’m not doing Elf on the Shelf for my kids this year, and I recently found myself reflecting on why I felt bad about that decision. Why do I feel like I need to do it? Why do I feel like I have to justify not doing it? Maybe you’ve been doing Elf on the Shelf for years, or maybe you’ve never tried it. Either way, you’ve probably seen the endless stream of photos, ideas for what to write in the notes, and elaborate plans for how to creatively move your Elf through your house each day in December. There are even entire Facebook groups devoted to creative Elf on the Shelf inspiration (and they do have some cool ideas!).
I’ve certainly turned to Pinterest for holiday decorating inspiration, found unique gift ideas for my kids in parenting Facebook groups, and discovered new holiday recipes on Instagram and TikTok. These have been helpful places, overall, to go to help me bring the holiday season alive. These platforms have been helpful, and they’ve sparked some great ideas for bringing the holiday season to life. But what I notice is that, in the midst of all these “opportunities” to create magic as a parent, the pressure to perform overwhelming weighs on moms (in my own experience and observations, this pressure to “make things magical” is primarily felt by moms, as this seems to still be an ungirding societal expectation. That may be another post in the future . . .), making the holiday season sometimes feel like a test of our performance and dedication as a mother than they do time to simply enjoy with family.
The Weight of Holiday Expectations
Spending too much time sifting through all of the tips for how to “perfectly decorate,” what events you “have to take your kids to this year.” and what gifts are must-haves can quickly become a double-edged sword. On one hand, we find inspiration for everything from recipes, gift ideas, and how to decorate your mantle. We might even come across practical tips that help make the holidays a little easier. On the other hand, being inundated with beautifully decorated homes, perfectly curated family photos, and pictures of families going to every holiday event and parade in the area can turn into a burden, a platform for competition, and result in us feeling like we aren’t doing enough to bring this holiday season to life for our kid(s). This can be especially challenging if you lack time, resources, support, or opportunities to do and create all of the experiences you actually want to create.
If you are feeling pressure to create a perfect holiday experience for your kids, and it’s coming at the cost of your own joy and mental health as we continue through the holiday season, I promise you are not alone. I’m right there with you. Here are some reminders and tips to help ease the pressure to “create perfection” or perform as you move through the rest of this season.
7 Reminders and Tips to Ease the Pressure to “Create Perfection” This Holiday Season
1. Pick one thing to prioritize
Not everything has to be done at a level worthy of posting to Pinterest, TikTok, or Instagram. Choose one or two traditions that matter most to you and your family, and focus your energy there. Whether it's baking cookies, watching a favorite holiday movie, or decorating the tree together, these small moments can carry more meaning than trying to do everything at once, especially if all those things are causing stress.
2. Limit social media time
If scrolling through holiday posts where you’re seeing everyone else’s elaborate traditions, decor, and holiday experiences is adding to your stress, set boundaries for your social media use for a few weeks. Consider muting accounts or leaving groups that make you feel less than. Instead, use that time for something that fills you up—like relaxing with coffee and a book or watching your kids play in the snow.
3. Involve your kid(s) in the Fun
You do not have to bear the burden of being the sole holiday magic-maker. If they’re old enough, let your kids help with decorating, baking, or even wrapping gifts. Their version might be messier, but it may be more memorable for everyone than you doing these things on your own. Plus, it shifts some of the responsibility off your plate. Having your kids participate in these things may end up becoming a tradition of its own – a win-win. 🙂
4. Delegate when and where you can
In addition to having your kids help where they can, consider asking friends or family to help, too. If you have a partner, providing opportunities for them to share the burden of some of the tasks you have this season is important. Asking a friend or family member (if you have the ability) to watch the kids for an afternoon while you shop and wrap presents or having a friend help with holiday baking or cooking can help give you a little bit more margin in your schedule and mind.
5. Skip the events that drain you (and don’t feel guilty about it!)
Not every holiday event or tradition needs to make it onto your calendar. According to Facebook, I have “14 events coming up this weekend.” As I scroll through, it’s a concoction of parades, holiday read-alouds, meet-and-greets with Santa, and markets that I indicated I was “interested in” over the last several weeks. As I sit here, I’m already wrestling with which of them (if any) I should bring my kids to.
If attending multiple parades or community events feels like too much, please remember you are allowed to skip them. A quiet night at home with holiday pajamas and popcorn can be just as meaningful as (and potentially less stressful than) a packed schedule.
6. Give yourself permission to say “good enough”
Not everything has to be perfect to be magical and memorable. Maybe some of your cookies burn or the tree is half-decorated, you forget to digitally document the cute market you want to this past weekend, or you don’t make it to the tree-lighting ceremony or the feed-the-reindeer event in your community. That’s okay. The “success” of your holiday season is not measured by the number of events you attend, the aesthetic of your Christmas tree, or if you posted a picture at the event you attended.
7. Remember: Ultimately, connection is the goal
Connection with your kids, your family, your friends. At the end of the day, the holidays are about celebrating connection and spending time with the people who matter most to you. Our kids will remember our slow movie nights at home as much as (or maybe more than) they remember your local tree lighting ceremony or how elaborate your decorations are. Spending meaningful time together when you have the opportunity is the main ingredient needed for creating fond holiday memories.
Perfection is Not a Precursor For Magical This Season
The holiday season doesn’t have to be perfect to be magical for you and your kids. You are no less of a mom for not having it in you to do Elf on the Shelf this year (speaking to myself here . . .) or for not making all the holiday cookies from scratch. By easing some of the pressure to perform, you can make space for the things that truly matter to you and enjoy the season alongside your family—a half-decorated tree, presents unevenly wrapped, no elf on any of your shelves, and all.
By: Erika Muller, Assistant for Wildflower Therapy LLC
All images via Unsplash
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If you’re looking for someone to come alongside you to help you unpack and approach the the complex set of experiences and emotions that can come with the holiday season, our therapists in Pennsylvania are honored to help! In fact, you can get to know a little bit more about them here and book a free consultation here.
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