When Your Reality Doesn’t Match Your Expectations: 10 Truths for Navigating Life’s Unexpected Turns ( . . . And the Emotions that Follow)
“Honestly, life is just so much different than I thought it would be at this stage. And to put it plainly… it honestly just kind of… sucks.” I mulled over my friend’s words as we looked at each other over plates of half-eaten avocado toast and once-hot coffee – now lukewarm at best. I nodded, and we sat in the heaviness of mutual understanding.
So many of us reach points in our lives where we are face-to-face with the reality that life isn’t looking the way we envisioned it would. Maybe it’s when you enter college and the experience isn’t quite what you pictured in your mind, or when you attend your fifth wedding one summer, and you can’t help but wonder if you’ll ever be the one people gather to celebrate. Maybe it’s when you have the job you dreamed of and worked toward for so long, but you find yourself wrestling with the reality that you don’t enjoy your day-to-day work life at all. Maybe it’s when you’re a few years into trying to grow your family against the backdrop of all your friends’ “and then there were three (or four… or five….)” announcements. Maybe it’s when someone in your family gets an unexpected diagnosis that changes the trajectory of your life as you knew it. Or maybe it’s the feeling you get on a random Tuesday while strolling through the grocery store - the one that pulls you into the corners of your mind where you think of all the things you thought you would do, think, be, and accomplish by this age, yet here you are . . . in aisle 11 and with a life that doesn’t have any of those things to show for it.
You try to pull yourself out of it with a few doses of reality and gratitude: So many people would be so thankful to have my life. I should be grateful. I am grateful. Aren’t I?
Life is Neither Logical nor Linear (Even When We Plan it Out To be . . .)
We are often sold a logical and linear version of what life will look like: when you turn 18, you will graduate from high school and move on to college or a job, then you get married and after you get married, you’ll have kids. You’ll raise your kids, pack lunches, maybe become a soccer mom. When life doesn’t unfold the way we anticipate – or when it does and we don’t always feel as happy or fulfilled as we are told we should, it compounds the grief we may already feel.
And now the guilt is setting in, because you know you “should be” more thankful for the life you have built and the stage you are in.
You hear the familiar responses of those you have shared your thoughts with before:
You’ve wanted this job for years – what else do you think you would even do?
You could be married right now, but you’re picky, you know? And that’s a good thing, but you can’t be as picky as you are and sad that you’re not married.
It’ll happen – you’re still so young! Stress doesn’t help, so try to just not think about it.
What do you mean this isn’t the life you envisioned? You literally have everything!
You now tell yourself that you need to process this in therapy next week and do some journaling. Because maybe everyone’s right: you need to be more grateful for what you have and where you’re at.
Here’s the thing I’m continuing to learn: Life is messy, and our satisfaction with our life circumstances is going to ebb and flow.
And unmet expectations can bring grief, even when our lives are objectively good. Feeling disappointed, frustrated, or a little bit lost in the face of a life stage or circumstance doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful and it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. Experiencing and exercising gratitude does not require you to dispel any other emotions that you are told are at odds with gratitude. We are complex and multifaceted, and because of this, it is possible for you to be both disappointed and grateful, sad and happy, unsettled and content.
10 Truths to Hold Onto When You’re Struggling with the Disappointment of Life Not Going as Planned
You are not behind
You may be at a different point in life than friends your age, but I can’t emphasize this enough: there is no objective timeline to determine what, when, and how you should do anything in life. I have fought and continue to fight these feelings myself, but the older I get, the more I realize how elusive this prescribed timeline is.
You are not missing out
Even when it feels like you are, you are not missing out. If your life looks different in ways you couldn’t have anticipated, it’s easy to think about how life could have or should have been. My therapist will often remind me, though, that we can never really know how something “would have been,” so we end up comparing our reality to a fantasy that was never actually real in the first place.
Emotions don’t always need to be fixed
Disappointment, frustration, and sadness aren’t always emotions to be fixed; they are emotions to be felt. You can feel them without having to fix them.
And you also don’t have to ignore or bypass negative emotions
If you’re not feeling internal or external pressure to “fix” an emotion, you may be feeling pressure to stuff it down or push it aside. You can exist in the emotion without
Someone else’s discomfort with your emotions is not your burden to bear
People may have feelings and opinions about the way you experience and handle emotions in response to life’s hiccups, tragedies, disappointments, and turnarounds. Try not to internalize this. It’s impossible to manage our own life experiences and emotions while trying to manage the way other people respond to us, too.
Grief and mourning over unmet expectations is okay
You are allowed to mourn the life (or parts of your life) you think you would have while also embracing your current life.
Your life’s meaning is not tied up in your accomplishments, the milestones you meet, or the people you are connected to
We live in a world that seems to constantly be measuring our worth and success by our output. This is an unfortunate reality, but if this is the only time you hear it today or ever, I hope you know that your worth can’t ever be determined by what you accomplish or don’t accomplish. And when we subscribe to this lie, we realize the goalpost is always moving — we never “arrive” at a point of having done enough, been enough, accomplished enough. So when your feelings of disappointment feel tied to “falling short” of accomplishing what was “expected” of you at this point in your life, please know that even if you had “accomplished” what you expected to or was expected of you, it wouldn’t have added meaning or, ultimately, lasting satisfaction to your life. You are worth infinitely more than what you can do or accomplish.
You are allowed to tune out toxic positivity
“Just be grateful” or “You should be grateful for ___!” can be incredibly insensitive and unhelpful in the face of real and valid emotions and struggles. Try not to internalize these sentiments from other people as an indication that you’re doing something wrong.
No season or emotion (good and bad) is permanent
The highs don’t stay high and the lows don’t stay low. And this is not to minimize our hard seasons, experiences, or emotions. Rather, it’s a reminder that where we are isn’t where we will always be.
There will be pockets of disappointment throughout life
Even if and when you internalize all of these truths and find contentment with your current life stage, you will still likely have moments and even seasons that feel disappointing and lonely. Try to remember that this is normal, and it doesn't necessarily mean there is anything that is “wrong” or in need of change. Being aware that these feelings will come (and they will go) can help you experience and move through them with more grace in the future. Even the most fulfilling lives are sprinkled with disappointment and dissatisfaction; we are humans, after all. :)
Grief and Gratitude: Navigating the Tension Between Expectations and Reality
If you’re finding yourself in a space where you’re grieving parts of the life you thought you would have, while also feeling guilty for “not being thankful enough” for what you do have, you are not alone, and there isn’t anything wrong with you. Life can be heavy and full of unexpected twists and turns. If you’re feeling stuck, disappointed, or unsure of what comes next, permit yourself to feel it all. Reaching out to someone you trust or seeking out professional help can help you reflect, process, work through, or sit in these tough moments and seasons that we will all – at one point or another – experience. Taking the time to allow, acknowledge and, if needed, process your feelings—whether with support or on your own—can be cathartic and healing, even when it’s not where you expected to be.
By: Erika Muller, Assistant for Wildflower Therapy LLC
All images via Unsplash
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