The end of the year comes slowly and then all at once, with the holidays adding lots of events and sometimes stress to our schedules. With a season full of holidays and end-of-othe-year TikTok trends already circulating, this time of year is a natural time for reflection. I find myself mentally in that space already – thinking about “where I was” a year, two years, five years ago at this time. This can stir up a lot of emotions, especially if this time of year brings with it some not-so-great memories.

I have some distinct memories of some of the hardest days with my eating disorder that resurface around this time of year. I am brought back to what my days looked like before recovery, the subtle and not-so-subtle ways disordered behaviors shaped my everyday life, and how much has changed since recovering.

While in the midst of my struggle with my eating disorder, I didn’t see many of my behaviors as problematic. They felt normal to me—necessary, even. But now, with the clarity of recovery, I can recognize them as problematic and tied to a mindset that prioritized thinness over my well-being. I’m sharing this list not to shame anyone still struggling, but to shed light on the ways disordered behaviors can hide in plain sight, and to validate the experience of those who may be starting to see these patterns in their own lives.

Here are 16 behaviors I once didn’t recognize as harmful. If you’re reading this and see yourself in these examples, know that awareness is the first step toward change—and that you’re not alone.

16 Behaviors I Thought Were Normal Before Entering Treatment for My Eating Disorder

1. Feeling accomplished when I lost weight pounds while being sick

Instead of being upset that I was sick, I would look at it as a “free pass” to weight loss. It was a win-win in my mind: I was genuinely not hungry and I was losing weight. While the weight loss itself was a normal byproduct of being sick, my mindset made evident that my drive toward weight loss was at the expense of my health.

2. Choosing a new daily vitamin to avoid calories

The vitamin I had been taking had 15 calories and 2 grams of sugar per serving. I spent a substantial amount of time researching other vitamins (and not considering any of the chewy news with the sugary coating on the outside) and ultimately chose a softgel that had 5 calories and no sugar. None of this research was about a “better” vitamin; instead, it was centered around a “lower calories and no sugar” option.

3. Eating the same few foods for every meal out of fear that new foods would make me “lose control” of my diet

My meals became so predictable, and not because I just liked certain foods, but because I feared so many foods. I would rather wake up early to make an egg white scramble every morning than risk running out of time and having to grab something that would (in my mind) derail my diet.

4. Doing crunches, squats, or cardio exercises the entire time I was watching TV instead of sitting down

I rarely sat still. If I had an idle moment while watching TV, I would do some kind of work out. I viewed sitting still as being lazy, sedentary, weak, and I did everything in my power to avoid physical rest while I was awake. This led to an array of issues from burnout to me avoiding going to gatherings where I thought there would be an extended period of sitting time.

5. Crying when someone would ask me to go out to eat

I was so full of frustration and anger that I would cry when people would ask me to go out to eat. I convinced myself that people were trying to sabotage my weight loss by asking me to go out to eat. I can recognize now how wild this sounds, but I was not able to see this at the time.

6. Bringing my own salad dressing to restaurants

When I would go out to eat, I brought my own salad so I could be sure I always had a predictable, low-calorie option for my dinner (which was always, inevitably, a salad).

7. Bringing my own food everywhere I went

Holiday gatherings, girls’ nights, family dinners – If food was going to be there, I brought my own. Bringing my own “safe” food was the only way I felt comfortable being in social settings where I wasn’t in control of the menu.

8. Delaying mealtime

Skipping meals or pushing them as late as possible felt like a win. It gave me a sense of accomplishment, as though hunger was a battle I had to conquer. I also used this as a way to “save calories” for later in the day.

9. Going through a pack of mints a day

Instead of eating a meal or a snack, I would eat mints throughout the day to curb my hunger. I did this a lot when I was delaying my next snack or meal to “trick” my brain into thinking I was eating something. Eventually, I was stocking up on mints and making panic trips to the store when I was running low.

10. Driving to three or four different grocery stores on any given weekend to carefully curate the list of foods that I was okay with eating

I had a specific and limited list of safe foods that I would eat, and I needed to go to three different grocery stores to get them. This would take a large chunk of my time on a weekend day. At the time, I saw this as a necessary way to make sure I stayed “healthy.”

11. Telling people who asked what I was doing to look “so good,” that I was just “walking a lot!”

This was true; I was walking a lot. But this was clearly not the only reason I had lost so much weight. And while we don’t owe people information about our bodies, I went to great lengths to try to normalize a lot of my behavior around food and my body.

12. Trying on old clothes that I knew were too big just to make sure they were too big

This assured me that I hadn’t gained weight or changed shape. I did this to alleviate stress after “eating too much” or to try to address a particularly bad body image day. While it did provide me with some momentary relief, it was never a lasting solution to my body image struggles or fear of weight gain.

13. Baking cookies just to smell them and feeling good about myself when I didn’t eat any of them

I would bake to try to make myself feel and look “normal” around food. I enjoyed smelling the cookies, but then I considered myself particularly disciplined when I didn’t eat even a bite of a cookie.

14. Drinking energy drinks because they claimed to support weight loss

Even when I had already had coffee that day, I would often drink an energy drink in the afternoon before I worked out solely because it promised to support weight loss. In my mind, it was a necessary part of my daily routine to “stay small.”

15. Going to bed when I wasn’t tired just to avoid hunger

Hunger would hit the hardest at night – for a multitude of reasons, I’m sure. I had restricted all day, I was at home where food was readily accessible, and I wanted something to snack on while I watched a show. Rather than just eat, I would go to bed when the temptation to eat became too strong.

16. Feeling like I lost control of myself if I ate over my allotted number of calories for the day

I tracked my calories religiously, and if I ended up over my allotted number of calories for the day, I would often spiral into self-critique. I felt like I had failed and would usually try to make up for this by eating fewer calories than what I normally allowed the next day or by adding in an additional workout.

The Gift of Reflection in Recovery

I’ve learned that recovery is about healing physically, learning, and unlearning, but I have learned that recovery has given me the gift of reflection. I am able to reflect on these and other behaviors that were once very normal to me and see that, little by little, things moved and shifted in me in a way that moved me into a space where these behaviors and habits are no longer a present part of me.

If you’re in the thick of this struggle, know that these behaviors don’t define you, and neither does your eating disorder. This time of year can bring a lot of joy for some, but the added gatherings, focus on food, and push to reflect on the last several months can make this time of year complicated. Know that if you are struggling with an eating disorder right now, there is a version of life where food is neutral – where all foods are allowed and for different reasons, where gatherings are marked by connection and not control and fear, and where your worth is not tied to numbers, measurements, or what you do or don’t eat. It may feel out of reach right now, but with support, healing is possible for you. Every small shift in perspective, every choice to challenge a disordered behavior brings you closer to reclaiming your life free from your eating disorder.

By: Erika Muller, Assistant for Wildflower Therapy LLC

All images via Unsplash

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16 Behaviors I Thought Were Normal Before I Entered Treatment for My Eating Disorder